Cris Liggett (kusanobabe05) wrote,
Cris Liggett
kusanobabe05

On the wind- yamachii

Title: On the wind
Pairing: yamachii, implied yamajima friendship
Fandom: hs7, hsjump
Notes: A random au angst yamachii fic....don't hate me for it... *hides*
For my Chii....my one and only Chii....


Ever heard the term 'It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?' That is not true...

My name is Yamada Ryosuke...

I'm fourth year student at an art university...my dream is to be a mangaka. I've been working on a detective one on and off for years. I sometimes post my sketches online and that's how I met him.

Chinen Yuri...he's a dancer. We lived far apart...yet the distance didn't matter. It was summer when we met...June...

We just clicked...

I'd never really liked anyone before...

Before I really could understand it; I was madly in love with Yuri...

Sure I'd dated girls a few times but there was never anything there. I didn't even tell my best friend about Yuri at first; Nakajima Yuto is a nice guy but even he doesn't really know my secrets; I'm shy but I cover that but being rather loud and obnoxious. Yuto knows the outside me; not the scared kid who is afraid to trust.

It was strange, from the first time I heard his voice I felt...like he was sitting beside me. I dreamt about what his kisses would feel like...sometimes I still do...

He saved up his money and came for a visit two months after we met over some of my sketches. As soon as the door to my room in the apartment I shared with a few fellow students closed, we were kissing and his arms were around me. I was taller but it really didn't matter...when he held me...I felt truly safe...and at home for the first time in years or maybe forever.

I loved him...I really did...

Yuri moved in a few months later and it was okay...I tried to be social and we spent time with my friends but I really wanted just to be alone with him. After a while, we didn't really spend much time together. Maybe it was because I didn't try hard enough...

I was scared...here was the sexiest person I'd ever known and they wanted me. I'd never really thought of myself as sexy but that's what Yuri saw. He thought I was talented...his opinion meant a lot. I had spent so much time trying to be invisable and this person had wiggled into my heart.

I started to pull away...hiding in the only world I knew...my art. I hurt him so much and it breaks my heart. I pushed the one person I loved more then anything...who helped me find myself away. I hurt him so bad that even after he left, talking to me made him so upset he got sick. So I pulled away even further because hurting him. It was the worst time of my life...I cried myself to sleep most nights. I withdrew deeper into myself then I had ever before...my detective manga was buried. I can barely even look at the pictures anymore. The world seemed so empty without him...almost as if the color went out of it.

Somedays, I could hardly get out of bed...

Sometimes I slept nearly all day; others I didn't sleep at all...

I won't say we were perfect but I liked the me I was when I fell in love with him and I was happy. I want that me back...

I still think about him everyday, though it's been a long time since I've seen him.

I want to become a better person...a stronger one. Someone he can be proud to have known...

Yuri, where ever you are I hope you are smiling because it was your smile that made me want to come out of the darkness.

'If you're somewhere on this same star. We'll meet again...'

Yuri said that once...I hope it's true but I can't live like it is....

I wrote a short manga and entered it in a contest. I didn't even think it would win...I thought the story was stupid. I won second place and used the prize money to buy two manga. Perhaps I should have bought a a new sketchbook instead.

I wonder what Yuri would have thought about that story, would he have liked it?

I'm working hard for my dreams...

I spend my non-study hours assisting other mangaka outlining and re-inking their pages; it's not what I want to do forever but it's a job.

I hope Yuri is still reaching for his dreams...

I've tried to move on...but I still have him in my heart. No one else's kisses or caresses light me on fire. I can't even enjoy it...sometimes...I find myself almost crying.

I'm not in the darkness anymore; I'm standing in the first faint rays of the sun watching the stars drift over the horizon. A new day is dawning, daylight, I'm waiting for the sunrise. A fresh start; I can't give in to the loneliness. I don't want to be alone...I want to face the sun with a smile...

I hope the wind wraps around you giving you the embraces I should have...

The sun kisses your face the way I cannot...

And the rainbow makes you smile even after the saddest times

Wind please carry the emotions I couldn't share...

I want him to be happy...Yuri deserves love...

The emotions I embrace that summer won't vanish...

They are still strong...absence can make the heart grow fonder but sometimes...the pain is almost too much to bear. I am grateful for the love he gave me...I just wish I could have given him the same in return. I am ashamed...

I don't know if it would have been better to have never met...

I doubt it...that feeling of being loved and safe...is something I cherish.

I doubt I will ever feel it again....
Tags: angst, au, hs7, hsj, one-shot, yama-chan, yamachii
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